Welcome to my Stains from another Life.

These are ALL MY memories. Most of them seem so long ago and feel like another lifetime or like they happened to another person.

In my 20 years of conventional therapy, 10 years of it being cognitive behavioral therapy, I have some significant insight into my warped, overly analytical, critical, hyperactive brain that just can’t relax! So, I am taking a shot at these writing remedies in hopes to heal and realize a mental calm.

The posts SHOULD be read in chronological order, The first post will be the "first chapter" and the most recent post will be the "lastest chapter" and so on. So, for those of you new to my blog, start at Scar #1. This is important to follow my life events in order to be able to understand and follow.

Anyway~ I hope you enjoy! And I don't want, need or expect ANY sympothy...this is just the way my life has been...it is what it is. I wouldn't be me without this history and right now I don't think I'm that bad. Key words; RIGHT NOW!

However, you are welcome to follow me and feel sorry for me on my facebook page..that page is Exclusively for bitching and complaining about my current life!

Be Well and Happy!

www.facebook.com/ScarsAndCircumstance




Tuesday, August 7, 2012

FUCK IT ALL!

FUCK IT!

Lately I've been thinking about my FUCKED UP Past! Most likely because of my blog... not ready to face the next SCAR in my blog...

Not only mentally scared but I am also physically scared!

Tired of being a FREAK! Tired of always hitting myself when I am RAGING...Tired of burning myself with a cigarette when I can't be validated! Tired of Jumping out of cars at 60mph, Tired of Pills, Tired of Slitting Wrists in the Wrong Direction! Tired of wanting to DIE when things don’t feel good…when I don’t feel loved…which seems to be 24 FUCKING 7! What’s that about?

Not only mentally scared but I am also physically scared!

What is the problem with NEEDING to feel understood and validated! The attachment issue is NOT FEELING attached to ANYONE or ANYTHING... Never my Mother, Never the Sperm Donor... The Gram left when I was so young... maybe have some pent up resentment for her dying…I think I feel like she did it on purpose, so young… alcohol, pills… why couldn’t she stop? Why didn’t she care enough to stay with me? This is turning into a blog post… Guess that’s where I’ll put it!

 Attachment is a CBT theory, which I believe since I consider myself a Buddhist; it’s the only “religion” that makes sense to me, it resonates with me…it’s more of a psychological theory. LETTING GO OF ATTACHMENT; the need for it, the need to be validated, the need to feel that you belong to someone solely and forever. I CAN’T GRASP that, I am unable to just let go of that primal neediness.

 FUCK IT! It’s not meant to be. I personally think us,  Bipolar people are Brilliant, Deep, Introspective and Creative!   We just want what we give (minus the rage and depression). WHATEVER! None of this fucking shit makes sense today!

 FUCK IT ALL!

2 comments:

If I told you that I'd have to Kill you said...

I've had the "fuck-its" pretty bad lately too. It's pretty hard not to at times. Just remember for all the negative shit we carry, there's just as much good. When we are well, we are some of the most compassionate, creative and intelligent people out there. Plus, you're totally gorgeous and people love you. Even if they're "normies" and don't fully know how. You like that word? I just made it up. I think it's a pretty good one. :)

Wednesday, August 08, 2012
Me said...

Well, I'm gonna call them NORMAN's and that'll scare me cause I'll think of the ORIGINAL Psycho...SCARE ME! SCARE! SCAR! Because the "normies' are "Annoy'Me's" I need intellegence and understanding...sorry; ALMOST 40 and that makes me wanna puke... although people usually say I look 27 but isn't that the age everyone is supposed to say to women who look over 30? Anyway; I digress as usual!

Have a Cheese Sammich! ;)

Saturday, August 18, 2012

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