Welcome to my Stains from another Life.

These are ALL MY memories. Most of them seem so long ago and feel like another lifetime or like they happened to another person.

In my 20 years of conventional therapy, 10 years of it being cognitive behavioral therapy, I have some significant insight into my warped, overly analytical, critical, hyperactive brain that just can’t relax! So, I am taking a shot at these writing remedies in hopes to heal and realize a mental calm.


The posts SHOULD be read in chronological order, The first post will be the "first chapter" and the most recent post will be the "lastest chapter" and so on. So, for those of you new to my blog, start at Scar #1. This is important to follow my life events in order to be able to understand and follow.

Anyway~ I hope you enjoy! And I don't want, need or expect ANY sympothy...this is just the way my life has been...it is what it is. I wouldn't be me without this history and right now I don't think I'm that bad. Key words; RIGHT NOW!

However, you are welcome to follow me and feel sorry for me on my facebook page..that page is Exclusively for bitching and complaining about my current life!

Be Well and Happy!

www.facebook.com/ScarsAndCircumstance




Saturday, August 18, 2012

~Love Always, Your singin' swingin' Gram"


In this writing process, I have started to think more about my Grandmother, hereon referred to as Grammy. She died when I was 14 and she was in her early almost mid-fifties.

She was an INCREDIBLE Grammy; she was a comedian; impersonator, a professional Blues singer (Las Vegas in the 1950’s and 1960’s) and she played the trumpet with some serious soul!  She played with me and gave me all the attention an only child craves. We role played, we pretended all the time, we acted, we would read Star Magazine and talk trash about everyone! She was not one to hold back her opinion, she was a very strong Alpha woman.... hhhmmmmm, maybe I got some of that from her?!  
MOST DEFINITLEY! :D
We would watch Carol Burnette and cry laughing. I would produce and act out shows for her and she always encouraged me and told me how beautiful and talented and smart I was. She was nothing what I knew of her raising my mom. Maybe she saw me as a "second chance" to get it right, hell she was the right age to have been my mom, she was with me more than my mom. My mom chose to be a "work-o-holic" instead of an alcoholic. She never drank. Clearly it skips a generation, cause I have had no problem drinking and consider myself an alcoholic who is under control. But really, my Grammy was my mom in my mind... She meant the world to me! We played dress up and let me tell ya something, when your young, still sexy Grammy is a lounge/nightclub singer and entertainer...you had the Mecca of dress up gear! She had GORGEOUS clothes, Dresses, shoes, costume jewelry, real jewelry that could fill a shoe box, obviously from her many admierers over the years, beautiful wigs and hair pieces. She would let me dress her up and do her make up! It was just a fairytale only child, childhood. Couldn't have been better.
 
Her career brought her to Washington D.C. in the late 60’s where she was offered a few gigs at the Gold Rush and Blues Alley. My Mom and she moved and started a new life, so much different than the life in Vegas almost two decades before. My Mom literally grew up in Vegas, living in the Hotels my Grammy performed, The infamous Sands Hotel and Casino (purported to be a Mob supported casino, weren't they all back then?) The Sahara Hotel and The Star Dust to name a few. She was usually an opening act for many more famous main acts such as Sammy Davis Jr. whom sang at one of my Grammy’s six weddings, yes… I said 6! She was Smokin’ Beautiful and so very talented. She was a Sex-Pot, she was a Diva, she was the cat’s meow, and she was simply GLAMOROUS!  So, no wonder so many men wanted to be with her. Imagine if she married 6 times in her very short life; imagine how many boyfriends and lovers there must have been. I have always speculated that many of those men most likely “liked” my young mom as well…when Grammy was passed out, if ya know what I mean.  I’m sure if my Mom ever did tell Grammy, my mom would have been in trouble for it, even being accused of trying to “steal” her man. My Grammy was explosive and an alcoholic and at that time of her life very self-centered and probably didn’t want to be “lugging” around a kid in the lifestyle she loved so much. Certainly not an excuse for the way she raised my Mom.


My Mom on the other hand, did not have such a “glamorous” view of Vegas. She would have to carry my Grammy in to their hotel rooms when she was passed out in the hall way or take care of her when she needed to emit the poisons she had consumed that day and night…she could definitely drink and she liked her pills too. I’m also sure she dabbled in other street drugs popular at the time like cocaine.
My mom’s account of her life with Grammy in Vegas was like the movie “Mommy Dearest” and to this day at 63 she cannot watch that movie. She has serious mental issues that have been left undiagnosed or even admitted.  My mom told me a story of when they actually lived in a small bungalow style home in Vegas just a mile or so from the strip.  So the story goes; my Grammy had passed out in a chair with a lit cigarette, not an uncommon thing for her to do…even up until she died. So, apparently the chair caught on fire and Grammy was COLD HARD OUT! So, my mom picked her up (Mom was about 12 or 13 at the time) and carried her dead weight body out of the house and the house burned pretty significantly. As the story goes… my Grammy woke up outside before the Fire Department arrived and she hit and smacked my mom around, blaming her for the fire. Let me make it perfectly clear, even though I truly believe my mom has some real fucked up issues being able to tell the truth, I do believe these stories, I know they had a tumultuous relationship their whole lives… my mom still does and she’s been gone 24 years.

My mom does have cool memories of hanging out in a penthouse room at the Sahara Hotel with Tina and Nancy Sinatra with some other younger and older children, just hanging out in this penthouse while the parents performed, partied and didn’t come back until late in the afternoon the next day.

My mom also loved the “job” she had when she was about 14; she was a synchronized swimmer at one of the hotels my Grammy and she lived for a few months. That’s how it went… she got a gig and they stayed at the hotel, the gig would either renew or end, cancel whatever and they’d move on to the next.
 
I can remember watching old 35mm films as a kid, My Grammy hosted a very late night show on local Vegas television station, you know the show that was on right before those color blocks came on and there was no more TV for a few hours.  She sat a desk which showcased her STUNNING legs  and the guests would  sit on chairs next to her and they would just shoot the shit about Vegas, where to go, what to do and how to do it. It was pretty cool what I remember. It had some comedy acts and my Grammy would either sing or play the trumpet at some point. She had the show for about 6 months or so, if I can remember correctly. Never watched all the films. Never had the opportunity to after she passed away, but that's another post intirely in itself!

My mom was truly robbed of her childhood, the only child of a Narcissistic, Gorgeous, Talented, Quasi-Famous, Alcohol and Drug addict. She was very abusive to my mom, she would tell her horrible things, she hit and smacked her around, and she played the child most of the time and my mom played the parent.

I have a headshot photograph of my Grammy; its black and white late 60’s and she had died her hair from dark, dark brown hair to Platinum Blonde… Someone was seeking MORE attention! The picture is of her right side and she has feathers of some sort wrapped around her chest and a HUGE Beehive of platinum hair and the inscription to me and my mom reads;

Side note:  She clearly gave this picture to us after I was born in 1973.

To my Darling Daughter and my Beautiful Loving Granddaughter Mona and Jenna

Love Always ~ Your Swingin’ Singin’ Gram!

I don’t remember being “presented” this personally autographed photo, but as narcissistic as she was it very well could have been a Christmas present cause she wrote “Christmas 1978” on the left side under her stage name; Marcy Lane.

There’s so much more… This I think is a foundation post for more to come… some “history” to remember when other shit blows up and causes scars… this post is a circumstance post. More Scars coming!
 
More Marcy Lane after this short break!
Stay Tuned!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

FUCK IT ALL!

FUCK IT!

Lately I've been thinking about my FUCKED UP Past! Most likely because of my blog... not ready to face the next SCAR in my blog...

Not only mentally scared but I am also physically scared!

Tired of being a FREAK! Tired of always hitting myself when I am RAGING...Tired of burning myself with a cigarette when I can't be validated! Tired of Jumping out of cars at 60mph, Tired of Pills, Tired of Slitting Wrists in the Wrong Direction! Tired of wanting to DIE when things don’t feel good…when I don’t feel loved…which seems to be 24 FUCKING 7! What’s that about?

Not only mentally scared but I am also physically scared!

What is the problem with NEEDING to feel understood and validated! The attachment issue is NOT FEELING attached to ANYONE or ANYTHING... Never my Mother, Never the Sperm Donor... The Gram left when I was so young... maybe have some pent up resentment for her dying…I think I feel like she did it on purpose, so young… alcohol, pills… why couldn’t she stop? Why didn’t she care enough to stay with me? This is turning into a blog post… Guess that’s where I’ll put it!

 Attachment is a CBT theory, which I believe since I consider myself a Buddhist; it’s the only “religion” that makes sense to me, it resonates with me…it’s more of a psychological theory. LETTING GO OF ATTACHMENT; the need for it, the need to be validated, the need to feel that you belong to someone solely and forever. I CAN’T GRASP that, I am unable to just let go of that primal neediness.

 FUCK IT! It’s not meant to be. I personally think us,  Bipolar people are Brilliant, Deep, Introspective and Creative!   We just want what we give (minus the rage and depression). WHATEVER! None of this fucking shit makes sense today!

 FUCK IT ALL!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Scar # 5 The Daddy Detective


The Daddy Detective ~  

September 1989…I was 16 years old… most people believed I was 17, 18 years old.  Esquire and I were doing pretty well. I was busy working in Alexandria and he worked late nights at the liquor store until closing 12-1 a.m. I was also helping my mom out with baby girl, only because I missed baby girl so much, so I went and watched her when mom had to work on the weekends or late at night. I loved that baby girl so very much.

While I was at my mom’s apartment watching baby girl, I was reviewing the paperwork I had collected, trying to make since out of it all. My birth certificate; there was a different last name than my current one. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? This is getting more and more bizarre.

There were three marriage certificates; two with my mom’s name and one which appeared to be the name of my father just a few tweaks of the name; you know… variations of a name; Ben, Benjamin, Benny. What is all of this? So, I put the marriage certificated in order by date. My mom married a man different than my father September 1969. She also married my father (??) February 1972. This was very peculiar. The last one was one with the variation of my dad to another woman; a woman with a very prestigious sounding name, dated July 1974. What is going on, I thought. I dug through her files some more and came across some more interesting paperwork which I also put in chronological order by date.





1.       September 1972;  the marriage certificate with mom’s name to a man with a strapping name; we’ll call him “Strapper” 

    OK, Who is Strapper? Where did he come from?

2.       February 1972; a marriage certificate with my mom’s name and the name of my father on my birth certificate.

3.       April 1972; A letter from the State of Maryland Board of Parole; addressed to my father, for now his formal name will be “Mr. X”.

Addressed to; Mr. X

Maryland Penitentiary

Dear Mr. X, you appeared before the Board of Parole in February 1972, and your case was held pending receipt of your psychological and psychiatric evaluations. Upon receipt of this additional information, your entire file was carefully and thoroughly reviewed by the Panel that conducted your hearing.

It was the decision of the Panel to rehear your case in April 1973. In reaching this decision the Board considered your extensive prior record, your escape from the institution on two occasions, and the fact that during your recent convalescence at University hospital, you persuaded a guard to take you home, which was against rules.

In addition, the Board wants to re-evaluate your medical condition after you have reached maximum recovery, so that they can more readily judge your ability to function in the community. During the interim, if your physical condition permits, it is suggested that you seek a transfer to the Camp system and/or the Work Release Program.

                                                                                                                Very truly yours,

                                                                                                                Ass Wipe

                                                                                                                Chairman

  

4.       June 1972; A letter written by mom to the Governor of the State of Maryland in reference to Mr. X.

Honorable Sir:

I am appealing to you, as Governor, to intercede on behalf of my husband Mr. X #12016, MD. Penitentiary and myself. Blah, blah, blah… to have my husband released.

Please let him out of prison, blah, blah, blah. We have our love; he has helped in a narcotic investigation with in the penitentiary. Numerous persons within the prison’s narcotic squad have ensured us that he will be released.

When he (Mr. X) suffered a stroke while in “protective custody”. He was taken to University Hospital and admitted there. While there we repeatedly spoke with the narcotic squad and were again ensured he would be released from hospital to home.

At Mr. X’s parole hearing in April 1972, he was denied.

Blah, blah, blah, FUCKING blah…. X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X   X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X (for another page)

At this time Mr. X is locked in a room on the fourth floor of the penitentiary hospital, twenty-four hours a day.  As a result of his assistance in the narcotic sting, he is not able to transfer to Hagerstown or Jessup, for fear of retaliation. Blah, Blah, Blah!

He is unable to participate in any programs because of his “protective custody” status. I know Mr. X has an extensive past record, but that is just what it is, “a PAST record”. If he were the same man as he was when he made that record, he would have walked out of University Hospital LONG ago. He certainly had enough opportunities!

Governor, we are asking for a chance… blah, blah, FUCKING blah.



                                                                                                Sincerely,

                                                                                                The Devoted Wife

Side note:  Notice she NEVER mentioned the fact that he persuaded a guard to take him home from University Hospital.



5.   August 1972; A letter to the State Senator of Prince George’s County, MD from The Board of Parole.

Dear Senator,

I have discussed this case with my associate whom is familiar with this case. Both of us, at this time, feel that the decision of the Board is reasonable due to Mr. X’s extensive criminal record dating from June, 1956. I am sure that you are aware that he was originally serving a 30 year sentence which was commuted by the Governor to 20 years.

Mr. X has also escaped on two occasions and has unfavorable reports from the psychologists and psychiatrists; stating he is manipulative and convincing with noteworthy grandeur.  I am also sure you are aware that on his last escape, he married his third wife. It is very unfortunate that she has been ill with major surgery.

It is my belief that the subject exert all efforts to get into a minimum security situation and preferably into the Camp system on work release by the time of his next hearing in April 1972.
 

WOW! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? I was Blown away! Clearly he was or is in prison. I had even more documents to read... 

  6.       July 1974; The State of Maryland,     Baltimore County, sct. An application and certificate of marriage to a variation of Mr. X’s name and that snooty sounding woman, we’ll call her “Snoot”.
    7.       June 1977;
The Circuit Court of Baltimore County, MD.

“Devoted Wife” is hereby granted a divorce “A Vinculo Matrimonii” from defendant, the said Mr. X.



WAIT THE FUCK A MINUTE!

Devoted Wife and Mr. X were married in 1972, I was born in 1973, he married Snoot in 1974 and Devoted Wife and Mr. X weren’t divorced until 1977. WHAT IS GOING ON???????????

So, he married Snoot while married to my Mom a year after I was born??? Huh? I’m so confused!


8.    August 1978; In the Circuit Court for Prince George’s County, Maryland.

The petition for name change of Ex-Devoted Wife  and minor child (me) has been granted made in accordance with the Maryland rules and no affidavit filed in opposition thereto it is by the Circuit Court.

Ordered; NEW NAMES!

Ahhhhh Buh-bye Mr. X

Scar # 4 Heartache, Work, Esquire and a Yellow Folder

MEMO:    
To my readers, I wrote this one night and had a pretty difficult time with it. I have thought about it in fleeting thoughts. I did not edit this post, so I apologize for the grammical and spelling errors. I just don't care to read it at this time and edit. Hope you are able to follow even with the errors. 

Be Happy and peaceful!
Me


When I got home with my mom, she said I needed to get a job and help out with the baby girl during the day if I wasn’t going to go back to school in September.

I quickly got a job at a men’s clothing store, owned by two Indian brothers who spoke Urdu. The store was in a strip mall in Oxon Hill it was small and catered to the younger male. PERFECT for me! I LOVE young men!  I was working part time in the evenings for a week or two and watching baby girl until school started. I really thought I was going to attend school, after all Dr. White emphasized the importance of an education and made me feel confident with my intelligence .

The first day of 10th grade, I can remember what I was wearing; a white shirt tucked into a teal green, high-waist skirt with suspenders which criss-crossed in the back. The short skirt showed and enhanced my skinny, shapeless, stick legs which I was really insecure about. I wore white pantyhose with black flats. I walked in the front double doors with all intention of going through with my education, looked around and felt so isolated from the “school” crowd; I turned right around and walked out, never to return again. That was the last of my formal education. September 1988.

I didn’t tell my mom at first, I pretended to go to school every day, ending up at someone’s house, drinking and smoking cigarettes all day until it was time to call mom and ask her to come pick me up. This went on for about a week and I decided I was going to just fess up and tell my mom. She tried to convey the importance of my education, but hell, at that point I had been out of school for so long, and I really didn’t feel I belonged there, besides, I was a fantastic employee and the brothers offered me a “management” position. I wanted it and mom was surprisingly supportive. She said for me to earn my keep, I had to watch baby girl as often as I could. I loved baby girl and wanted time with her…she was now two years old and so much fun.

I had friends who I could count on to pick me up during the day and take me to work. I was meeting so many men, most of them five or more years older than I. I would let them pick me up after work around 9pm and I would sleep with them. Who knows what I was looking for? Some say love, security…I say I was a SLUT! Those licentious days got me into trouble, trouble that has haunted me for more than twenty years.
In the early spring of 1989, I became pregnant. I was not sure who the father was. I told my mom and she instantly kicked me out of the house. I asked the brothers at work for an advance so that I could pay for an abortion. My best friend took me to the clinic. When I got back to her house that day to rest, I cried all night, I was in emotional and physical pain. I did not believe in abortion and felt I had just committed the ultimate SIN!

I was awake for the entire procedure and can still hear the words of the doctor;

FADE IN:

On the table of an ABORTION clinic; LEGS UP and OPEN for ALL to see! The nurse was holding and caressing my hand with her thumb. I was so afraid, and feeling sorry for myself. So many things were running through my head. What would my life be with a baby? What is it going to be like without one? I can always have another one day when I am able to care for it and when I know who the father is.

I was touching my stomach, which had not started to show, I was about 11 weeks along. I was taking the deepest breaths I had ever taken in my life.

Dr. Monster

Ok, you’re going to feel a couple of sticks, that’s the needle to administer the local anesthesia. We’re gonna let that sit for a couple of minutes to kick in. Then we’ll start the procedure.


Me

(I was crying, not a hysterical cry, just some tears.)

OK, is this going to hurt?


Dr. Monster

It won’t necessarily be painful, just really, really bad cramps, like your period times a hundred.

OK, you’re going to feel some pressure, I just need for you to relax your legs and pelvis.

THAT VACUUM
SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF ME!
LITERALLY!

There it was; the moment, the ONLY time I would EVER be pregnant…and it was SUCKED right out of me! I didn’t know it at the time, but later in life realized and always felt it was GOD, the universe or the procedure itself (causing damage) or ALL three; PUNISHING me for my decision to KILL and take my child’s life. What a DIRTY WHORE I was! I could only think self-loathing notions of myself. I WAS WORTH NOTHING to NO ONE and would NEVER be! That was going to be my worth for many, many, many years to come.

 FADE IN:
The following day...

I was knocking on mom’s door, suitcase and purse in hand. She had moved in the months since I had been at her house and she now lived on the ninth floor of a high-rise with even more friendly roaches, granted a slightly better neighborhood, but one less bedroom. The couch would be my only option, I was used to it.

She opens the door, I expected a big hug and a kiss… none of that dear girl. She held the door and said come in. I walked past her and walked straight to baby girl who was so happy to see me, I grabbed her, picked her up and held her the way I needed to be held.


Mom

So, are you still pregnant?

Me

No mom, I got rid of it.

(While I was holding baby girl, kissing her chubby cheeks)
 

Mom

You know that is an abomination to God; it’s a sin that is not forgiven. I will pray for you, but you need to change your ways.

Me

Yes, Mom…I know. Can we please talk about something else?

Mom

What else is there to talk about? You need to pray for your soul, you need to ask Jesus for forgiveness, but most importantly, you need to accept Jesus into your heart. Then you will be saved.


Me

Mom, I need a place to stay, can I please come back home and stay? I won’t do this shit anymore. I will take Jesus into my heart. Just please let me stay here.
 
Mom

OK, you can stay…the first time you FUCK UP, you’re outta here!


I stayed with Mom for about two months, just in time for summer fun, after all, I was 15. I had still been working at the clothing store, checking in with mom as much as possible when I was out, she wanted to know where I was all the time. So, I checked in and lied about where I was and who I was with, I was back to my old behavior…drinking more  and more...blacking out just about every night and more shameless behavior.

While  I was  at mom’s and taking care of baby girl when necessary, which seemed to be all the time, I started to snoop in her paperwork, she had file boxes GALORE in her closet and under her bed.

The subject of my dad never came up since that elevator ride, last August. While snooping and reading the piles of paper work in her closet, I came across a file which had some legal papers, naming who I believed was my father. I also found divorce papers which had my MOM and DAD’s name on it. What the FUCK? The date was 1978, I was FIVE years old! She and my grandmother had ALWAYS told me he died when I was two. I NEVER knew him! I knew the name was my father because I found my birth certificate which had his name. There were so many legal documents with his name all over. I had to put the files back before she came home each day, but every chance I got in those two months to snoop and learn, I took some paperwork and kept it separate from the original files.

As summer came, I now had a boyfriend who told me he loved me and I just went with it…hadn’t really heard that for a very long time. He was six years older and worked at a liquor store…PERFECT! Love and Liquor! Just what I wanted!

I started that summer on a quest to find my dad! I called “information” …which back then was the operator (press “O”), you could get up to four phone numbers at a time, so I would ask for his last name in the cities that were listed in all the paperwork…Oh, not in my 15 year old brain did I think; there’s gonna be a phone bill for all of my phone calls to different states, asking if they were related to me or my dad.  The phone bill came and it was OUTRAGEOUS… more than five hundred bucks! Pointless to say, SHE WAS PISSED! There went my safe couch in her one bedroom apartment on the ninth floor. Goodbye baby girl, goodbye friendly roaches!

I did manage to accumulate some paperwork, I had gathered enough to fill a file folder, a yellow one... covered in scribbling and the word… “DAD” drawn on the front in bubble letters…doodles all over. I made sure to take that when I left…she was clueless…she didn’t know why I ran up the phone bill, she just figured it was a rebellious teenager out to make her life more financially difficult on purpose. YES, that’s what I was doing! (Insert sarcasm)

I got a hold of my boyfriend; he worked at Esquire Liquors, so I'll refer to him as Esquire. Esquire picked me up and offered me to sneak into his parent’s house and sleep there at night and leave before they woke up. He would pick me up after they left at the bus stop up the street. His mother was not fond of me. His dad was indifferent. We would get hotel rooms every weekend and party all weekend. By this time I had quit my job and was dependent on Esquire for everything! He wanted to move in together and promised me the world. It was going to take a bit to save up the money for the deposit and first month’s rent, he started hustlin' crack to get the money together. He paid for me to stay in hotels a few nights a week. The other nights I would couch hop again, from one friend’s to another.

September came and I was 16! An adult in my mind, I had a boyfriend who loved me, I was on my own, making it day to day… I finally got another job, this time across the Woodrow Wilson bridge at a telemarketing company which sold new technology phone features to current Bell Atlantic customers; call waiting, *69, *67, and caller id. Esquire let me drive his car to get back and forth to work…it was about 30 miles away…oh, I didn’t have a driver’s license, he didn’t need to know that…plus, I had a fake id that was a driver’s license. Who cares? It was the least of my worries.

Money was saved and there I was signing my first lease on my own home… That's right a 16 year old girl  I said I was 18 and they just made the lease and we signed it.

A Place to call home!
A place I CAN’T be told to leave…
finally SECURITY!
 

Scar # 3 I'm sorry, what did you say??

If something is “needless to say”, why say it?

I need to say…the psych ward is NOTHING like it’s portrayed in movies.





Sure, there are really fucked up people in there but it’s not an “asylum” atmosphere.  They are hospital settings, the only difference is there is no door to walk out and there are community rooms with people walking around. Most used to let you smoke, before the whole second-hand smoke crap and public smoking regulations. There are a few left that let you, but usually controlled times and in a small smoked filled room with a maximum limit, so there are almost ALWAYS lines to smoke, since most of us crazies smoke!

The induction into the world of my psyche was when I was 14.  I was a child who was lost and insecure. Alone and ANGRY! My mom told me my father passed away when I was two, my grandmother was gone, the home I had grown up in was no longer mine, my mom was clinically depressed because of the loss of her mother, I was not living at home, missed my baby sister, had dropped out of high school, was in the streets with people I shouldn’t have been with, in situations I shouldn’t have been in and ended up hopeless in a youth homeless shelter with a package of sleeping pills that I decided to use to end it all. WELCOME to the Psych Ward – Take 1!

I drudged through a few days of bullshit “therapy” that I was not interested in and quite honestly manipulated my way through. I was talking to my psychiatrist, Dr. Inez White; I will NEVER FORGET her name! It is etched in my being and always will be. She asked me what a beautiful, intelligent girl like me was doing in a place like this. What could possibly be wrong in my world, it couldn’t be that bad to want to take my own life. No, it COULD BITCH! It IS BITCH! (I didn’t say that, but I thought it). So, she said she was going to set up a “family” meeting with my Mom. Since I was a minor and still on my mom’s insurance, I pretty much had NO FUCKING choice but to do it.

A day or two later, I can’t remember how long it was but SHE showed up for the meeting.


Let’s call this scar/scene;
Social Security










Setting: The sterile office of Dr. Inez White at GW Hospital Psychiatric Ward. Late August 1988.
Scene: I’m sitting there waiting for my mom; Dr. White is delving through my chart. In walks mom…YAY! Let the fun begin!    
Fade in:
Dr. White
Well, you have a very intelligent, beautiful young lady here. She doesn’t belong here as far as I can tell, but let’s talk a bit. So, her grandmother, your mother just passed away this past April, right?
Mom
Yes, that’s right.
Dr. White
She tells me, you asked her to stay home from school to watch your youngest daughter while you worked because you are financially strapped. 
Mom
Yes, that’s true. I am barely making ends meet and daycare was provided by my mother and when she passed we had to move into an apartment I couldn’t afford and I needed the help.
Dr. White
So, having your 14 year old daughter drop out of school was the solution? Do you receive child support from their father?
MOM
Well, they have different fathers. The baby’s father does pay, but it’s not enough and her father passed when she was two.
Dr. White
Were you married to her father?
MOM
Yes, I was… he’s the only man I ever married.
Dr. White
Well, don’t you receive Social Security for her from her father?
SILENCE for a second or two… Mom COMPLETELY IGNORES and EVADES the question and she TURNED 1,000 shades of white! She manages to change the subject somehow (years of prcatice, clearly). I only know this because there was NEVER an answer. The only thing I remember after that was the thoughts RACING through my head… yea, why don’t you get money from social security? Why don’t I know his name? Where is he buried? Why haven’t I ever seen a picture of him? What the FUCK is GOING ON????
Fast forward to my discharge from the hospital; the “agreement” was I was to move back home with my Mom, get a job and go back to school. AGREED!
Let's call this scene/scar;
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
Setting: Hospital elevator and lobby, walk to the car and car.

Fade in:
ME
Did you bring me cigarettes?
MOM
Yes, I did.
ME
So… Mom, what was my dad’s name?
MOM
Not now! Now is not the time!
ME
NOT THE TIME???? WHAT? How come I’ve never seen a picture of him? Why haven’t I ever been to his grave and why don’t you get money for me?
MOM
Well, honey… your father didn’t die when I said he did but I believe he is dead now.
ME
WHAT? What kind of shit is that?
MOM
(In her condescending voice) Honey… I’m not gonna talk about this right now.
LONGEST ELEVATOR RIDE EVER!!!!  Now, exiting the building, I lite up a cigarette on the way to the car, remember I'm 14. I’m now ENRAGED at her flippant attitude and the audacity of it all!
ME
You’re FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT?
MOM
I am not going to talk about this right now!
ME
(screaming) YES YOU are!!! Damn it! So essentially he is PROBABLY ALIVE and YOU LIED TO ME MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE!!! What kind of shit is that???
MOM
Just STOP!
(she’s now screaming) JUST STOP! I’M NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS!
ME
This is so fucking typical of you! When it doesn’t benefit you or you don’t fucking feel like it, it’s just your way or the highway! I FUCKING HATE YOU!
MOM
Well, you’re not so easy to love either!
Fade Out: